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https://youtu.be/a3ihwpuT5xc?si=-rQk8AsaFcIF5xJK
Not entirely apt, because I'm not the one who left. That would be Arthur. After a long time of considering it, in mid-December he moved to a city apartment. He spent Christmas eve and Christmas night here (we traveled to Western Mass to spend Christmas day with Flo, as you may recall). On New Year's Eve after the ringing and partying, I spent the night at the apartment. I started to think that that was the new normal - some weekends together, otherwise physically apart, but with calls and emails. On the morning of January 11th, we had a cheerful phone conversation. Four hours later he was in the house telling me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. A few days ago we had an interesting email exchange followed by an insightful conversation the following morning. If we had a time machine, maybe we could go back before the cancer and fix things, but Flo keeps reminding me that that's not an option. I'm not entirely convinced about that, but eventually I probably will be. While I was out yesterday he collected more stuff (I knew that was his plan, so it wasn't like being burgled). Now I feel like he really is done with the house, and maybe with me, although we have to get together to do the taxes and I am continuing to connect with his family. And we will always have Flo in common.
I am often stomach-achy. My sleep has been disordered for years, and now it's worse. I have been referred by my nurse practitioner for an online appointment in late February with a psychiatrist, to talk about meds. In the meantime, I will spend part of next week really working to find a therapist. I emailed a couple earlier in the month but their schedules were full. I am trying to live according to my normal routine. I am eating healthy food and getting exercise. It's the only body I have, and it's not my stomach's fault that I am pumping it full of stress hormones. I am reading and posting about non-relationship stuff online. (and reading books, slowly).
Over the years I have spent lots of time in the house alone while Arthur traveled, but now I am worried that I will fall on the basement stairs and nobody will find me for ages. I have set up a system with Flo to send a short text every evening confirming that I'm not dead. I talk to other friends. I do listen to the radio, and to youtube. I am trying to decide if it's worth the hundreds of bucks it will take to get my
50-year-old Sansui tuner repaired so I can listen to vinyl. I watch the TV even though that is supposed to be unhelpful for sleep. It's just nice to hear people talk. I have a list of songs that I have carefully not been listening to. It doesn't mean I don't hear them sometimes in my head.
When I have trouble dragging myself out of bed:
Randy Newman, "Living without you"
https://youtu.be/z36Va6L2G2o?si=Ycs5NmSb9Tdw3DEB
Forlorn hope:
Kim Taehyung "Love me again"
https://youtu.be/r2rZXrsBAfE?si=f72-K-Nu-GqX6hcg
I'm restraining myself from begging, but that doesn't mean I don't consider it daily.
Linda Ronstadt "Love has no pride"
https://youtu.be/2R0aNLEKgIs?si=XV8biJszUpjur53X
A reminder to myself about how to post about him "You know I'm not gon' diss you on the internet, 'cause my Mama taught me better than that." (otherwise the lyrics are not mostly accurate to my current condition).
Destiny's Child "Survivor"
https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0?si=VuOwxdNoljdinPXz
Not entirely apt, because I'm not the one who left. That would be Arthur. After a long time of considering it, in mid-December he moved to a city apartment. He spent Christmas eve and Christmas night here (we traveled to Western Mass to spend Christmas day with Flo, as you may recall). On New Year's Eve after the ringing and partying, I spent the night at the apartment. I started to think that that was the new normal - some weekends together, otherwise physically apart, but with calls and emails. On the morning of January 11th, we had a cheerful phone conversation. Four hours later he was in the house telling me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. A few days ago we had an interesting email exchange followed by an insightful conversation the following morning. If we had a time machine, maybe we could go back before the cancer and fix things, but Flo keeps reminding me that that's not an option. I'm not entirely convinced about that, but eventually I probably will be. While I was out yesterday he collected more stuff (I knew that was his plan, so it wasn't like being burgled). Now I feel like he really is done with the house, and maybe with me, although we have to get together to do the taxes and I am continuing to connect with his family. And we will always have Flo in common.
I am often stomach-achy. My sleep has been disordered for years, and now it's worse. I have been referred by my nurse practitioner for an online appointment in late February with a psychiatrist, to talk about meds. In the meantime, I will spend part of next week really working to find a therapist. I emailed a couple earlier in the month but their schedules were full. I am trying to live according to my normal routine. I am eating healthy food and getting exercise. It's the only body I have, and it's not my stomach's fault that I am pumping it full of stress hormones. I am reading and posting about non-relationship stuff online. (and reading books, slowly).
Over the years I have spent lots of time in the house alone while Arthur traveled, but now I am worried that I will fall on the basement stairs and nobody will find me for ages. I have set up a system with Flo to send a short text every evening confirming that I'm not dead. I talk to other friends. I do listen to the radio, and to youtube. I am trying to decide if it's worth the hundreds of bucks it will take to get my
50-year-old Sansui tuner repaired so I can listen to vinyl. I watch the TV even though that is supposed to be unhelpful for sleep. It's just nice to hear people talk. I have a list of songs that I have carefully not been listening to. It doesn't mean I don't hear them sometimes in my head.
When I have trouble dragging myself out of bed:
Randy Newman, "Living without you"
https://youtu.be/z36Va6L2G2o?si=Ycs5NmSb9Tdw3DEB
Forlorn hope:
Kim Taehyung "Love me again"
https://youtu.be/r2rZXrsBAfE?si=f72-K-Nu-GqX6hcg
I'm restraining myself from begging, but that doesn't mean I don't consider it daily.
Linda Ronstadt "Love has no pride"
https://youtu.be/2R0aNLEKgIs?si=XV8biJszUpjur53X
A reminder to myself about how to post about him "You know I'm not gon' diss you on the internet, 'cause my Mama taught me better than that." (otherwise the lyrics are not mostly accurate to my current condition).
Destiny's Child "Survivor"
https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0?si=VuOwxdNoljdinPXz
